I want to have your abortion
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
