Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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