just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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