Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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