Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
