my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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