just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
