if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
