Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
