Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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