Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
