You can't motorboat a personality
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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