Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
