I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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