I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
