Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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