Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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