he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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