My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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