when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
