dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
