Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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