They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
