I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
