I think my fart just growled at me.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
organizing the empties. That sober.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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