Can i not drive my cunt home
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
