I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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