I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
