Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
