so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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