just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
