she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
