Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
