it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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