Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
