yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
