so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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