I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Randomize
