her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
