there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
