I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
