I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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