I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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