Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
