can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
