Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
