Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
