We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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