My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
