Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
